Aspect Rageo

2017 is almost upon us, and we stand upon the precipice of ushering in a new resolution format in the form of 4K/Ultra HD media. Standard definition has been defunct for years now, and widescreen TVs are now the default standard.

For fuck’s sake, it’s time that people got their shit together and set the aspect ratio on their displays correctly.

If people want to sit in the comfort of their own home and watch pictures spread out to fill all the available space on their display and insist that they like it that way/prefer it over black bars, fine. That’s their prerogative. They probably also still buy porn on physical media and fill their houses with incandescent bulbs or some shit. That they’re behind the curve of technology or descent society is none of my business; what consenting adults subject their entertainment system to is their own concern, even if they are backwards yokels.

But there is no reason that I should be exposed to this degenerate nonsense when I am out and about in public with my family. How many times have we gone to a restaurant with huge TV panels tuned to various games, only for some if not all of them to be displaying standard definition content with the incorrect ratio? How often must I sit there and explain to my daughter why some people make the lifestyle choice to watch television with everyone wearing the widebrowed, shallow crown look of some primitive species of hominid? That is a conversation for my wife and I to have with our child at the time and place of our choosing, not because someone’s sins against God were thrust in our face for us to contend with unawares.

I have no idea how much it costs to build a restaurant, but surely–surely–they an afford to spring for $5 a pop for an HDMI cable for each TV they’ve got. There’s no excuse to be hooking their systems up to SD content through composite cables in this day and age, and even if they are so cheap that they can’t bring themselves to spend the extra money to get HD signal on their sports channel package, they can at least take the minimal, trivial amount of effort it would require to ensure that the pictures were set up correctly. Surely these establishments are not staffed solely with doddering old people who’s last exposure to a change in the home entertainment paradigm was the advent of the VCR. If you’re hiring kids old enough to make minimum wage, then you’re hiring people old enough to do this shit for you. Hell, get some kid off the street and pay him a ten spot, if that’s what it takes.

Fuck, just giveĀ me the remote, and I’ll do it my fucking self.

Before we move forward into the next generation of visual formats, shouldn’t we at least be making some sort of check that we’ve already brought everyone along on board into the current one? When the FCC mandated the switch to digital signals for all full-power broadcast stations back in 2009, they implemented a program where people could request and receive coupons that could be applied to converters that would allow their TVs to continue functioning in a world that had already passed them by. I propose a similar program be implemented to educate the populace on how to properly set up their TVs so that the pictures don’t look like they’re being squeezed under 6000 fathoms of water pressure at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. Perhaps further funds could be allocated for this program to set up some sort of agency that could come out and fix the pictures for those who are somehow incapable of figuring out how to accomplish this task on their own while at the same time not being so mentally deficient that they killed themselves by accident before the onset of puberty.

Then, as a last resort, we should have some manner of elite squadron whose function will be to enter these homes by force, restrain the occupants, and set their television sets up correctly by force. Maybe activate the parental code feature to prevent these people from ever committing this atrocity again. Or break their thumbs so that they’re unable to use the remotes.

Yes, I know I said only a few paragraphs ago that it wasn’t my place to criticize what people did within the walls of their own home, but fuck it. Set your fucking televisions to the right fucking aspect ration, you fucking fucks.

Jesus.

–Mike